No. 027 | Letter to a Friend: Welcoming Home a Son
I can't help but live vicariously through you
Dear Friend,
You have now embarked on a journey that is all your own. In the days and nights since arriving home from the hospital, every minute looks and feels different. Your and your wife’s phones are both blowing up with congratulatory messages that are hard to keep up with. The dog is happy that you’re home and looking forward to getting back to life as she knows it (silly pup). And sleeping in the next room is the little boy who will one day call you Dad - your son, less than a week old.
I think about you and your new family often, excited that you’ve crossed into the world of parenthood, living vicariously with both the benefit of hindsight and the knowledge that your journey will be equally similar and dissimilar to mine or that of anyone else.
In the spirit of that idea, I’ve jotted down a few milestones to consider as you become a competent and well-adjusted father of one.
Pregnancy feels like a lifetime ago and your wife’s body needs time to heal and adjust to life postpartum. Throughout this new journey, remember that each and every day. The act of pregnancy takes its toll well after the baby exits and it is up to you to keep tabs on her wellbeing, both physically and mentally. You cannot predict how the hormonal rebalancing and physical act of recovery will come together, but you can be ready for anything.
Bonding with your son is a 24-hour job. He knows NOTHING and everything is overwhelming for those first few weeks. He can’t even see in color yet. But he can smell you, hear you, and sense your presence. When he’s crying, he’s communicating the only way he knows how, and when you soothe him, he feels that and subconsciously remembers it for later in life. Learn the fundamentals of care like you’re practicing a sport and remember that in the process, you are implanting a loving, caring, and incredibly important signal into that newborn brain: I’m here for you.
We had our kid just before it turned cold. People warned us about winter babies, and in many respects, they were right. Germs were horrid and omnipresent, going (and staying) outside often proved difficult, and in our part of the world, the sun would hide behind clouds for days at a time. It was a long winter but we made the most of it, coming out stronger and ultimately better people having gone through it.
Having a baby in the middle of summer poses its own challenges but, as I’m sure many would argue, offers added benefits that you can take advantage of as soon as you feel comfortable to do so. Babies need to eat, sleep, and remain calm but they also love to roam, explore, socialize, and experience the world outside of the home from a very early age. It’s their first time, after all.
Don’t be afraid to load him up in the car or stroller for a meal at an actual restaurant; a walk on the beach while strapped to your chest; or to watch planes come in on the waterfront. You’ll get better at the process of the whole charade and eventually will watch in awe at their reactions to the things you do together.
On a recent hike, Charlie would reach out to touch a trailside tree every quarter mile or so. His little hand against birch bark, something so simple, will stay with me forever. You will feel that tug-of-war between protecting the child from the harm of sun and mosquitoes and drunks, and fulfilling the desire to be social and happy in the summer - go out and enjoy…responsibly.
Finally, when times get really tough, remind yourself both that you are a strong and competent leader and that this is a period of extreme change. You are capable of adjusting fully and that this is worth every morsel of energy required to do so. You love your wife; you love your child; you love your new life and this is the hard part that people tell you about. The newborn phase, though, is a special kind of acuity saved for the beginning of the journey. Savor it because it will all be over soon and before you know it, you’ll have a kid who babbles, rolls over, smiles, laughs, feeds himself, and reveals something new about his little personality every day.
And that, my friend, is only six or seven months away. You got this. I have faith in you and cannot wait to meet the little dude. Knowing his parents, he has a great life ahead of him. And you will be there to show him the way.
With Love,
Uncle B